Missing...

I’m hurting today, hurting real badly. How unfair is it that I’m only twenty years old and I don’t have any grandparents around for my child to know? How unfair is it that I had no grandparents at my wedding to watch me and be proud of me? I know I probably shouldn’t think like that but sometimes I can’t help but get mad. I guess I should start with a background story of all of this so no one is confused. Sorry if my writing is off today…

I came from an extremely close family, my dad’s side. There is a bunch of Midkiffs around town and I’m related to all of them. My grandma Becky was married to an amazing man, my step-grandpa Lee. I always remember when I was little my whole entire family would come to my grandparents’ house every Sunday for lunch after church. She always had meat sandwiches, and I would love to play in her big back yard. If I ever came over with my bangs over my eyes my grandma would instantly bring me outside and cut them, they drove her crazy! I’m the youngest of my grandma’s 13 grandchildren and there is quite an age difference between me and my other cousins but it didn’t stop us from being a close family. My grandma loved each and every one of us and we all knew it, there was no denying it. My grandpa Lee passed away in 2001, I was really confused when he passed away. I was heartbroken, and watching my grandma be heartbroken was even harder. Ever since that day she would always tell me that she couldn’t wait to go to heaven to see Jesus, and I hated hearing that honestly. My grandma was definitely the glue that held my family together. Now in my last post I mentioned dating someone who was not the best person in the world and it was a huge mistake, well once I broke it off with him my grandma treated me no differently. She wasn’t disappointed in my judgment; she didn’t make me feel bad for my mistakes our relationship just went back to normal. Trust me, a lot of people judged me, even in my family and honestly I feel that some people STILL judge me for it, even though it was already 4 years ago. 

Sometimes I feel out casted because of the choices I made. My relationship with people, even family is still destroyed. And what hurts the most about it is that some people, even in my family won’t give Shaun the time of day because of my past. Shaun is an amazing guy who loves me and treats me awesome, he has his eyes set on God and leading our family. But they wouldn’t know that about him, since they don’t want to know him period. My grandma Becky was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease when I was about 17. It was hard, but I knew that she still knew me and loved me and things were going to be okay. I got the privilege of spending time with my grandma while she was living at my uncle’s house. I would get to eat breakfast with her; she would tell me stories about her childhood or about raising my uncles and aunt. Yes, sometimes they were the same stories just ten minutes apart, but I loved listening to them. She was the best, literally, the best and her love for God and for her family was so touching. I’ve always wanted to be like her. Fortunately for me, I live with my father who is EXACTLY like her and it’s like getting to see my grandma every day. My grandma officially couldn’t live by herself anymore and needed to go live in a nursing home in Phoenix, making it hard for me to see her. She never forgot who I was, but she didn’t believe that I was who I was. She thought I was a family member named Kathy, she thought I was too old to be Hannah.

 My grandma Arlene, my mom’s mom was also an amazing woman with a heart filled with love for her family. She was married to my step-grandpa Bob, unfortunately I don’t remember much about him because he passed away when I was only three. I spent a lot of time with my grandma Arlene since she baby sat us a lot. We even lived with her for a while when I was young after my grandpa Bob died. She would give us anything we wanted, it was kind of ridiculous but we were definitely spoiled. She loved cooking for us, but she had a hard time since she had a stroke and couldn’t really use the left side of her body. She could still walk but she couldn’t use her left hand that much. I would help her, I loved helping her cook. It was so much fun! We were the only grandkids she had at the time, really the only family she had so all her attention was on me and my siblings. I knew she loved us and would do anything for us. She never once judged me for my mistakes. When I was about fifteen my grandma had another stroke and she could no longer walk. She had to sell her house and everything she loved and live in a nursing home. I was heartbroken…

Now I guess I should fast forward to January of 2010, my grandma Arlene passed away from heart problems, it was quick thing. She got sick and died about two weeks later and the whole time she was drugged so I felt like I never actually got to say goodbye to her. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t expect it to happen and especially not that fast. My heart was broken, literally. I cried and cried and cried. It was the first time I felt that kind of pain. The good part is that she at least got to meet Shaun, yes she was drugged and she wasn’t really conscious but they met. Then we skip to April of 2010, we got a phone call that my grandma Becky wasn’t doing too good and we decided we would go see her the next day. Literally twenty minutes later the phone rang to tell us she passed away. I couldn’t believe it! Again? Really? I didn’t get to say goodbye, Shaun didn’t get to meet her. I couldn’t handle losing both my grandmas so close together. 

Now we fast forward to now, where I’m sitting her being mad that my grandmas won’t be able to meet my child, they never got to see my wedding, they aren’t here when I need to talk to them and get their advice. I know they are much better off now, but I want to be selfish for a bit. Why, Why, Why? Me, Me Me! Okay, I think I’m done now. I just want everyone to know how much I loved my grandmas, they are both heroes in my eyes and I strive to be more like them every day. I want to be strong and strive to be more like God, like my grandma Becky. I want to love my family and hold them so dear in my heart, like my grandma Arlene. Most of all I want them both to know that I love them so much and I think about them all the time.